woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
