Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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