U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize