Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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