So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
