apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
