A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
