And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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