My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
no, he came in my armpit
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize