upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
