Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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