Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
