there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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