C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
