Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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