Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
