would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
