Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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