What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This is classic penis vs brain.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
