Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize