i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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