Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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