6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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