some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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