Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
