Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
