he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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