I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize