I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
