The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You are a genius and a whore.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
