I cannot find my penis.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
