I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
