There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
