We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
