Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i drank out of a bidet.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize