well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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