how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
