lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
