Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
