There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
