Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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