I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
