it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
