my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize