2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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