The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
