living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
