My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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