i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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