I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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