A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
