Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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