Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
