Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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