Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
