My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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