So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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