I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
