who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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