so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
