Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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