OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
