i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
