she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
