That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
