If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
