i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
