you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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