So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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