My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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