I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
