Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
