There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
