jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
