I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize