I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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